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MASh
11-19-2005, 01:28 PM
Ok, I'll start with saying, if there is a thread like this, I didn't search for it because I'm too lazy. And maybe I don't know about it because I'm too lazy, so it IS better to start a new one.
So you probably guessed what this thread is meant for, so go ahead. I noticed that lately Engi really is dying. When I just joined, I used to sit online for hours just reading the new Engi posts, but now, nothing. A few people online, but they do nothing, just have the page open. So maybe this joke thread can liven things up.
I suggest you people start the joking, and I'll join in. I was raised by two joke encyclopedias, my father and my cousin. So I know a very vide variety of jokes suitable for all situations, people, ages and minds.
So 3...2...1... GO!!!

Edit by samaru: Let's also allow any pictures if you need visualizations. ^_~

Taro
11-19-2005, 03:07 PM
A cowboy just got married..him and his wife are on a carriage with a horse of course. They come near a rising hill and during the trip to the other side of the hill, the horse keeps on sliding.

First slide, the cowboy says," One"
Second slide, the cowboys says."two"
Third slide, the cowboy says,"Three" then pulls out his gun and shoot his horse.

His wife of course is pissed and start yelling at him,"How are we going to get to the house now? who is going to carry those luggages?"

The cowboy stared at her then said,"One"

--------------------------------

Will post some others later on

Insomni
11-19-2005, 03:18 PM
Lol thats a funy one. I got one too.

In a jungle, theres a monkey smokin a joint up in a tree. A lizard walks by, and the monkey says "Hey, you wanna smoke a joint wit me?" The lizard says, "Eh, what the hell, sure." So the lizard climbs up the tree, and him and the monkey start smokin doobies. After hours of smokin, the lizard finally says, "My throats dry, im gonna get a drink down by the river" So the lizard climbs down the tree, and goes to the river. The lizard was so high, that he fell into the river while he was taking a drink. A near by crocodile says, "Hey, whats wrong with you?" The lizard says, "I was smokin joints with a monkey up in a tree." The crocodile goes, "A monkey smokin joints up in a tree? I gotta see this!" So the crocodile leaves the lizard and goes to the tree. When he reaches the tree, he sees the monkey smokin. The crocodile goes, "Hey! You!" and the monkey goes. "Fuuuuuuuuck, dude! How much water did you drink!?

Kind of a long one. I have another long one, but i'll post it later.

MASh
11-19-2005, 03:38 PM
I know similar ones to both of yours but just a biiiit funnier. I'll go for Jr's similarity:

A beaver sees a REALLY high wolf smoking weed near the bay, comes up to him and says "Lemme smoke some". Da wolf looks at him, says sure. After smoking a bit, the wolf was still SOOO high, but the beaver hardly felt a thing, so he asked the wolf "Hey man, this is crap, how come your so high?" And the wolf said "Do what I did, do you see that island in the middle of the lake? (100 metres away), inhale as much as you can, and swim there and back withouth dehailing (is this correct?).
So the beaver got as much as he could, and off to th island and back, but when he got to the island, he ran out of breath and just lay there. After a min, a hippo comes up to him and asks where he got the dope from. "Over there on that beach, some wolfs been high for an hour. So the hippo swam off.
When the hippo swam out right near the wolf, the wolf looked at him and said "BLOW IT OUT BEAVER, BLOW IT OUT.

This is rather boring, that's waht you get for translating jokes, but i'll try to get better ons next time.

Aravan
11-19-2005, 04:06 PM
Ok here is one for you.

A rabbit and a bear are walking through the woods one day and they come across a golden toad. The bear says "look its a golden toad."

THe toad says "Yes Im a golden toad but I can also grant each of you three wishes."

Bear says with a wide eyed look on his face "Ok I got one I want all the bears in the forest to be female except for me, except for me."

Toad "OK your wish is granted."

Rabbit says "I want a helmet."

Toad "A helmet? Ok your wish is granted."

Bear with a even happier look on his face "Ok I got one I got one, I want all the bears in all the surrounding forests to be female except for me, except for me."

Toad "OK your wish is granted"

Rabbit "I want a moped"

Toad "A moped? ok granted"

Bear with happiest look of all on his face "OK i got it. I want all the bears in all the world to be female except for me, except for me."

Toad "ok granted"

Rabbit "I want the bear to be gay."

Rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on his moped and rides away.

MASh
11-19-2005, 04:37 PM
A guy crawling in the desert, didn’t eat or drink for days, he suddenly finds a bottle in the sand. Tries to open it, but e genie comes out.
Gin: You have got 3 wishes master
Man: Oh holy shit, OH YES. Ok, I want lot’s food and water.
Gin: You wish is my command……. *a huge dining table filled with many things appears*

Man: Ok, now my second wish, I want to get home!
Gin: You wish is my command……. *takes the mans hand and starts walking north*
Man: WTF, I want to get home faster.
Gin: You wish is my command… RUN!
----------------------------------------------
More than half of you won’t like this, and some will find this cruel. This is a dark category joke:

DARK JOKE:

A family couple couldn’t have kids for 15 years, but finally the wife got pregnant.
9 months pass, the hospital. Wife giving birth and the man is waiting outside.
Some time passes, and a nurse comes out with a something small wrapped in paper.
The guy comes up to her and:
Guy: so, who is it? A boy or a girl?
Nurse: we can’t tell, it doesn’t have reproductive organs
Guy: OH no, god why? But ill still love it. Can I see it?
Nurse: ok, but I must warn you, it doesn’t have arms either
Guy: OH NO, GOD WHY, FUCKING HELL, NOOO
Nurse: that’s not all, it doesn’t have legs either
Guy: what the f*k, what DOES it have?
The nurse unwraps the paper, and it’s an ear inside it.
nurse: that’s him
guy in total shock: son, my son. Why this punishment?
The guy picks up the ear and whispers to it: don’t worry, ill love you anyway!
Nurse: umm, mr…. He’s deff……………….
-----------------------------------------------------
DARK JOKE:

There was this kid, born blind. All his life he only wished to see anything. So one day his mom comes to him and says : Son, I have great news for you, scientist found a cure from blindness, it’s a special tissue soaked in a special liquid, if you wear it 1 whole day, you will see.
So this kids all exited, all day didn’t get his but off the couch. Kept asking: mom, are the skies pretty, mom are… Every few minutes asking: Is it time yet? Is it time yet?
Finally when evening came,
Mom: son it’s time. The son jumped off the couch, slashed off the wrapping and
Son: mom, I cant see anything
Mom: April fools son!

Kishin Kageri
11-19-2005, 04:38 PM
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

samaru
11-19-2005, 04:55 PM
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

Taro
11-19-2005, 04:57 PM
Wife and husband... various jokes that I remember

-------------------------------------
A morning at a home...

A husband rushes back home and surprises his wife cheating on him in bed with another man...

"How dare you cheat on me? Who is the bastard that you are with?"

"Oh yeah... true what's your name by the way?"

----------------------

A morning at a home...

A husband rushes back home and surprises his wife cheating on him...

"How dare you cheat on me?"

"Oh great you are here... just look how it is supposed to be done!"

---------------------------------

A morning at a home...

A husband rushes back home because he discovered that his wife was having an affair... and yelled:

"I know everything !"

"Oh yeah? tell me who was Napoleon 3rd grade teacher?"

MASh
11-19-2005, 05:26 PM
What are 2 nuts on a wall?
walnuts
2 nuts on a chest?
chestnuts
2 nuts on a chin
blowjob

Insomni
11-19-2005, 05:52 PM
These jokes are funny. K i just remembered another one:

I guy walks into a bar, he notices a jar with money in it, the jar is labeled, "Prize money." So the man ask the bar keep, "How do i win the money?" The Bar keep says, "You have to make a donkey laugh." The guy accepts, and the bar keep brings him to the back room with a donkey in it, and the guy and the donkey alone. Five minutes later, the bar keep comes back into the room and sees the donkey laughing his ass off. The bar keep goes, "How did you make the donkey laugh?" The man says, "I'll tell you another time." A week later, the man comes in again, and notices the prize money jar. He asks the barkeep, "How do i win the money this time?" THe bar keep goes "This time, you have to make a donkey cry." The man accepts, and they go to the backroom again. When the barkeep comes back after five minutes, he sees the donkey crying. The barkeep, asks, "Ok, you gotta tell me, how in the world did you make a donkey laugh, and cry?" Then, the guy answers, " To make the donkey laugh, I said my dick was bigger than his. To make the donkey cry, i proved it."

Daft Morgan
11-19-2005, 05:58 PM
Let's go for some senseless misogynism.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.

samaru
11-19-2005, 06:03 PM
Ever hear of the Polish lottery?

A million dollars - a dollar a year for a million years.

Kanai
11-19-2005, 06:14 PM
Some feminism...

Why did God create the first woman after the man?

Because one learns by screwing up.

(no offense to men ^_^')

Liquid Vagrant
11-19-2005, 06:19 PM
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.

And know for dead baby jokes:

Whats the diffrence between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
You can get the babies out with a pitchfork.

Whats worse than 10 dead babies in a trash can?
1 dead baby in 10 trashcans.

samaru
11-19-2005, 06:24 PM
Some feminism...

Why did God create the first woman after the man?

Because one learns by screwing up.

(no offense to men ^_^')
Well, there ya go...

http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/8328/wishingwell8vp.jpg

MASh
11-19-2005, 06:29 PM
Preagnant women:

18-25= fresh milk
25-35= good milk
35-50= spoiled milk
50+ = yoghurt
----------------------------------

3 dragon-slayers (DS) sitting in a cave, cooking dinner.
A dragon flies up to the entrance and "Hey guys, could I come in, it's getting cold out there.
DS1: Fuck off
And the dragon flew away. A little while later, strong winds start and a soft rain, the dragon comes back.
Dragon: Hey guys, please let me in, it's getting wet here, it really cold.
DS1: FUCK off!
Dragon flies away, a little while later lightning, gusts and tornados outside. Dragon comes again: Hey guys, please let me in, in really shitty here, So cold, I'm afraid.
DS1: FUCK OFF!
DS2: Nah, let him come in. Just don't bother us.
The dragon goes in, lies down at back of the cave and mutters : fuck off, fuck off. Maybe i live here...

Daft Morgan
11-19-2005, 06:41 PM
Whats worse than 10 dead babies in a trash can?
1 dead baby in 10 trashcans.

Ho ho ho.

What's worse than a dead baby in a trash can?

A trash can full of dead babies.

And what's worse than that?

The one at the bottom is alive.

And what's worse than that?

It's eating its way out.

And what's worse than that?

When it's done, it goes back for more.

Insomni
11-19-2005, 06:52 PM
Shniggets, that evil! =D

A skeleton walks into a bar, he orders a drink and a mop....corny, no?

MASh
11-19-2005, 06:53 PM
Ho ho ho.

What's worse than a dead baby in a trash can?

A trash can full of dead babies.

And what's worse than that?

The one at the bottom is alive.

And what's worse than that?

It's eating its way out.

And what's worse than that?

When it's done, it goes back for more.

Whoa, hohoho. Daft Morgan, you did it. The first one to make me laugh. That makes my night. Here's a continue:

What's worse that that?

After it eats the trash, it goes for you

And what's worse than that?

When you try to stab it, it ate the knife

And what worse than that?

You find out that he's Jason X' little brother and his name is Chucky

rather lame but yours was enginious:p

PetaruWaru
11-19-2005, 07:03 PM
ugh...dead baby jokes.

A joke that don't involve dead babies:

----------------
These 3 nuns die and go to heaven.

So they're at the pearly gates, and St Peter walks up to them and says "Alright, if you want to get into heaven, you've got to answer a question, each of you."

So he goes up to the first nun and says, "Who led the Jews out of Egypt?" And the nun says "Moses." "Good", says Peter, "You can go into heaven."

He goes to the second nun "Who built the Ark?" And the nun says "Noah." "Good", says Peter, "You can go into heaven."

Then he goes to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" And the nun thinks for a moment and says "hmm....thats a hard one...."

And St. Peter says "Good, you can go into heaven"

MASh
11-19-2005, 07:10 PM
A benz is hit by a hundai from the back. A massive macho comes out of the benz, walks up to the hundai's drivers door, jerkes him out and starts screwing him (litteraly). The the guy getting pwned goes: Hu. Hu. Hu. Hu. Hundai' driving wheel is on the other side....
-------------------------------------------
A childhood joke:

Shaggy, Craig David and Britney Spears go to the movies. Someone farts
Shaggy: Wasn't me
Craig: I'm walking away
Britney: oops. i did it again
--
The next day they go again, and again someone farts
Shaggy: wasnt me
Craig: Im walking away
Bitney: Stronger, than yesterday..............

Sakae
11-19-2005, 07:11 PM
Here's a couple of jokes I've learned in the Navy:

Why did the plane crash?
It's pilot was a loaf of bread.

Why did the boy fall of his bike?
Someone threw a piano on him.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was tied to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

Why did Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
One hand to finger herself, one hand to moan.

How did the police know Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head & shoulders under the dashboard.

What do you get when you nail a baby's head to a wall?
An erection.

What's the difference between a baby and your grandmother?
Your grandmother doesn't die when I fuck her in the ass.

What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
You don't cum on the apple before you eat it.

MASh
11-19-2005, 07:17 PM
The spoiler ones were sick, VERY sick jokes man. You got them from the NAVY also? Never heard anything like that.

Daft Morgan
11-19-2005, 07:22 PM
So 3 vampires walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the first what he wants, and he says blood. So does the second. It's only the third that orders plasma.

"So let me get this straight," the bartender says. "That's two Bloods and a Blood Light."

Also, I know a really perverse dead baby joke, and I'm seriously not telling it to anyone unless you PM me.

I really don't want kiddies accidentally reading it.

MASh
11-19-2005, 07:34 PM
An extremely hungry mosqito flryuing around NY, all windows closed, no one to bite. Suddenly he sees a vampire covered in blood, alot of blood. So he flies up to him and asks where he got it from.
The vamp says: Do you see that building?
-Yes
-And do you see the sharp spike sticking out of it?
-YES!!!
-Well... I didnt...

Jake
11-19-2005, 07:37 PM
Slight disgusting, but nothing compaired to the dead baby ones.


3 Vampires enter a bar. The frist one asks the bartender for a glass blood. The second one asks for a glass of blood. The thrid one ask for a glass of water. When the bartender heard the last order he asked why. The 3rd Vampire held up a dirty tampon and said "Tea Time"

Aravan
11-19-2005, 08:16 PM
Ok a guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there he sees these clocks everywhere, so he asks one of the angels what they are there for.

Angel "Those clocks tell how honest a person is. They move one tick for every lie a person tells. See that one its Mother Teresa's clock it has never moved. And that one is Lincoln's clock its has only moved twice."

Guy "So where is Bill Clinton's clock?"

Angel "God is useing it as a ceiling fan."


There was a man sitting down at a bar when another man came in and sat beside him. The first man looked at the second, and said, "Do you want to hear something that's pretty neat?" The other guy said, "Sure, go ahead and tell me." Then the first guy said, "Well, if you jump off of a building, the air will catch you and throw you back up onto the building. The other guy didn't believe him, so they went up to the roof to see. The first guy jumped off of the building and fell a few feet, and then popped right back onto the roof. The other guy couldn't believe it and asked him to do it again. Again he jumped off of the building and popped right back up, and he said, "Now you try it." The first guy jumped off the building and fell all the way, hitting the ground hard. The guy walked back down from the roof to the bar and sat down. The bartender looked at him and said, "You know, you're a real ass when you're drunk, Superman."

sesra
11-19-2005, 08:55 PM
How do you keep a dead baby from falling down a manhole?

Stick a javelin through its head.

What short, cold, shrivled, and makes a woman cry in the morning?

Crib death.

Whats white, red, blue, red, red, white, red, blue, and red again?

A baby falling down stairs.

samaru
11-19-2005, 09:21 PM
http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/7733/stickyspidey3av.jpg

MASh
11-20-2005, 07:22 AM
You people like dead babie jokes don't you? You're all evil bastartds, I like them too!:) But only some. ;)

I got this from a movie.

So superman is flyiing around town, and he really wants to screw somebody, then he sees wonderwoman on a rooftop with her p*ssy open. He got really happy and decided to use his super speed so she won't know who it was. And then, faster then the blink of an eye, he flew down there, did his job and flew off.
Starrled by the gush of wind, wonderwoman: "What the fuck was that?"
Hollowman: "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts."

EnikkiShizune
11-28-2005, 01:45 PM
Ok here is one for you.

A rabbit and a bear are walking through the woods one day and they come across a golden toad. The bear says "look its a golden toad."

THe toad says "Yes Im a golden toad but I can also grant each of you three wishes."

Bear says with a wide eyed look on his face "Ok I got one I want all the bears in the forest to be female except for me, except for me."

Toad "OK your wish is granted."

Rabbit says "I want a helmet."

Toad "A helmet? Ok your wish is granted."

Bear with a even happier look on his face "Ok I got one I got one, I want all the bears in all the surrounding forests to be female except for me, except for me."

Toad "OK your wish is granted"

Rabbit "I want a moped"

Toad "A moped? ok granted"

Bear with happiest look of all on his face "OK i got it. I want all the bears in all the world to be female except for me, except for me."

Toad "ok granted"

Rabbit "I want the bear to be gay."

Rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on his moped and rides away.

Sorry.. no joke. BUT! SiS, when you get the chance to check this over, remember the beginning of the year in the Yahoo Naruto Chats (when they were actually working) and it was that random joke day with that .. um person rping Haku... XD this is the same joke I posted... -coughs- =) okay done.

Jped
11-28-2005, 03:33 PM
It was the invisible man Katta, not Hollowman. The quote came from the movie Hollowman ;)

As for a joke, here's a dry one i heard today:

Beer makes you smarter! It's true! It made Budweiser! (Sound it out).

I chuckled at it >.>;

MASh
11-28-2005, 03:48 PM
Ahh, Budweiser. Love it's adds. Especially the "Wassabi" and the "Nice race... Thanx" ones. Always makes me laugh.


- Wasaaaaaabi

Mr. Hicks
01-17-2006, 09:21 AM
So these two guys are sitting in a bar drinking. One guy looks at the other and says, "Hey man, I heard you're going hunting in Canada."

The other guys, "Yes sir, I'm going to shoot me a bear."

So the guy leaves for Canada, get his equipment, and goes hunting. He's standing in his tree stand when far away he sees a HUGE Kodiak. The man aims his gun, fires, and the bear drops to the ground. "I got one!" he yelled.

So the hunter dashes to see the dead bear, the moment he arrives the huge Kodiak stands up on his hind legs, "Oh shit it's a trap!" the hunter yells.

"You know what you gotta do cowboy, on your knees!" the bear smirks.

So after giving the bear a blowjob the hunter begrudgingly goes back to his cabin and thinks to himself, "God damn shit, no one makes a fool out of me, tomorrow I'm gonna kill that bear."

So the next day the hunter goes back to the tree stand, he sees the bear, takes even more time to aim, and then fires. The bear falls dead, "That's right bear! That's what you get for making me blow you!"

So as the hunter goes to gloat closer to the bear's corpse the Kodiak stands back up, "You know what you gotta do cowboy, on your knees!"

So after giving the bear another blowjob the hunter goes back to the cabin, "I swear to god, tomorrow I'm going to kill that fuckin' bear."

The next day, the man is sitting in his tree stand... again. He sees the bear, he takes even more time to aim, he fires and the bear drops dead. The hunter walks to the corpse to confirm the kill, the bear once again rises on his hind legs, he smirks to the hunter and says:

"You really didn't come out here to shoot bear, did you?"

walo
01-17-2006, 10:01 AM
Whats so funny about dead baby jokes???

Lilmrhalfazn
01-17-2006, 10:23 AM
So many things

Mr. Hicks
01-17-2006, 10:33 AM
But mainly just the fact that it's Dead Babies.

That's what zindryr taught me. *nods*

Nara
01-21-2006, 12:27 AM
A family walks into a talent agency with a baby to an old man sitting behind his desk. The man asks why their here and they say their a family act, perfect for the ad he put out. The man refuses and refuses untill the sons like "OKAY..." after a hand gester given fromt he mother.

Okay well. The son starts jacking off his dad And the mother rips off the daughters bra and panties, digging off some skin int he process with some blood drippling off, rips out the tampon from her, some more blood pouring out and flings it at a picture of the mans family, making it stick , sliding down slowly with a puby trail.

The father finally sperms and it hits the kids eye. The Father squats down with his sons boy in his hands, slamming his head over and over into the talent agents head into the corner of the table, his eye ball finally falling out of the socket.

The father squeezes out a huge pile of crap into the baby's open mouth, literally his buttocks inches from the baby's face.The mother spreads open the daughters mouth, And punches her teeth over and over untill they fall down her throat. After the mouth is bloody and gummy, she punches the back of her throat, over and over, so that vomit pushes out her arm.

The father finally whips up his penis again, and starts violating his sons open eye hole, touching the left side of his brain over and over, but the eye socket gets narrow as it gets to the brain, so it gets stuck, and everytime the kid clenches his jaw, bones cut into his fathers penis.

The father punches the top of his sons head so the back of his head hits the already bloody corner of the table, and gashes his head, with brain gristle falling out. The kids head is already filled with blood and semen and wood bits that already arent his. The father picks up The baby whos mouth is filled with shit, and squeezes from the bottem of the baby's throat, to the top of his lips so that the crap falls into his sons eye socket.

The son still has enough consciousness in him to get an erection, so the daughter with no teeth starts sucking him off with blood all over her mouth, diareah squirting out of her butt like a geyser all over the mother who has kut open knuckles from punching the back of the daughters throat.

When the son is erect enough, they take the baby, and put it on the sons penis and the baby begins to get violated, as the father takes two fishing hooks and rips open the baby's stomach, intestine and shit and blood falling all over the daughters face. they start slipping in the Blood, Pubes, Feces, Bone, And urine as the Son leaning on his father, mother and daughter give a bloody smile to the talent agent.

The agent claps and says "Good! What do you call yourselves?!!.."

The family all stand side byside, and say in a blurted manner

"THE ARISTOCRATS!"


If you dont get it you have to read it a few times to understand it.

Ish
01-21-2006, 04:15 AM
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Rizhou
01-21-2006, 09:30 AM
On the night of their finals, four students decided to go out, get a few drinks and relax before their big test. One drink lead to a lot more, and soon all four had passed out. Next day, when the four awoke, they were horrified to find that they had slept well past the time of their test. The four soon came up with a plan to lie to their headmaster.

After arriving back at school, the students found the headmaster and began explaining their situation. Apparently, the group had gone to a close friend's wedding in another town yesterday. They had been driving back to school this morning when, suddenly, a tyre of their car blew. They had to ring up a tow truck, get towed back to the city, get it fixed, etc, etc. By the time they had arrived back at school, it was too late.

The headmaster assured the four that he sympathized with their situation and that he'll personally see to it that they are given a second chance. As the four left school, they couldn't believe how easily they lie had worked.

Three days later the four came back to school. Each had studied well in the past few days and was more than confident that they'll pass the test. The headmaster greeted them and lead each of the four into their own room. In the middle of each room, there was a single chair and table. Upon the table, a single sheet of paper could be found. There was only two questions on the paper.

Test: 100 Points.

Question One: 10 Points - What is Your Name?

Question Two: 90 Points: Which tyre of the car blew up?

aznpoccho<3
01-21-2006, 04:05 PM
Ok.There was a black, a mexican, and a white and they were to be banished to a desert by the king. But before they were banished they got one wish. The black wished for food and water. The white also wished for food and water. The mexican wished for a car door. They were all walking when the black told the white to ask the mexican why a car door. So the white asked "Why did you wish for a car door?" The mexican replied "So if it gets hot I can just roll the window down."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok there was a Black, and white, and a asian. They found a cliff called the Wish Cliff. Rumor had told that if you jump off as you are making a wish the wish will come true. So the blck began running and as he jumped her yelled "Superman" and he turned into superman and flew off. Then the white began running and as he jumped he yelled "Spiderman!" and he web-shot off. The asian was excited now and began running as fast as he could. As he got to the edge he tripped and a yelled"Oh Shit!" and guess what he turned into? A big piece of doody~

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok. A mom and her son were walking in a mall and the son asked "Mommy is god black or white?"
The mom replied "Both"
2 minutes later the son asked again"Mommy is god a girl or boy?"
"Both" the mom answered.

5 minutes later the boy asked" Mommy is God Michael Jackson?"

------------------

Ish
01-21-2006, 06:13 PM
Note: These next are pretyt offensive. If your Mexican, I suggest not reading them >_>.

Really. They're pretty bad.


How do you start a stampede in Mexico?

Roll a quarter down a hill

Whose the richest man in Mexico?

the man who got the quarter

What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill
Avalanche

What do you call a bunch of black peopel running down a hill?
Mud slide

What do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down a hill?
Jailbreak

Nara
01-21-2006, 06:28 PM
Hahaha. I'm mexican. I dont see a problem with them. Noone can top my joke though, unless they write another aristocrats joke.

MASh
01-21-2006, 08:54 PM
Nara, I'm not sure if i'll read anymore of your jokes again...

SiS
01-21-2006, 09:31 PM
My version involved making love to deep cuts. 8)

Ish
01-21-2006, 10:54 PM
Well sicne no one minded my jokes, here's more!

What's the difference between a pizza and a Mexican?

A pizza can feed a family >_>


What's the difference between Jack Thompson and a bucket of shit?

The bucket.

edit: put the funny in >_<

Lilmrhalfazn
01-21-2006, 11:53 PM
I don't get the first one...

OK here is mine, well I have three.

A blonde walks by some traintracks and she sees a brunette jumping up and down going, "21 21 21 21" The blonde thinks this looks like fun and joins. So they are both jumping, when the train starts coming. At this, the brunette jumps off, but the blonde stays on still going, "21 21 21 21". The train hits the blonde, and the brunette gets back on, starts jumping again and goes, "22 22 22 22".


So a guy has taken his girlfriend home, and they are about to go into the guy's room, but he shares a room with his little brother. Before they walk in, the guy tells the girl, "Alright, he's asleep but just in case say lettuce if you want it harder, and tomato if you want it softer. So they go in, and they start doing it.

Tomato

Lettuce

Tomato

Lettuce

Lettuce

Lettttuuuuuccceeee

Suddenly, the little brother shouts up to them, "Would you two stop making sandwhiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face!"


So a little boy wakes up in the middle of the night, and runs into his parents room. When he opens the door, he finds the mother riding the father up and down. Quickly, the two stop, and cover themselves. As the Mother walks the son back to the room she explains that she was, "Deflating Daddy's stomach so it won't get too big". The little boy in return replies, "But Mommy, that doesn't make any sense, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up when you go grocery shopping"

Ish
01-22-2006, 02:10 AM
I put the funny in my joke. Here's another blonde joke.

So there are 3 guys working constuction, a blonde, a Mexican, and a Japanese. Later that day at lunch time, the Mexican says if he gets another burrito for lunch, he's gonan jump off the building, the Japanese says if he gets more sushi for lunch, he's gonan jump off the building to. THe blodne says if he gets bologna, he'll join them.

Next day, they all die.

At thier funerals, the Japanese guy's wife said if he didn't want shushi he should have told me. THe Mexican's guy wife said if he didn't want burritos he should have told me to. The blonde guy's wife said don't look at me, he packs his own lunch.

Aoi
01-22-2006, 07:55 PM
Eh... my dad likes this one;

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it?
>
>>
>>>
>>>>A Stick.

And he likes this one too...

What do you call a deaf dog?
>
>>
>>>
>>>>It doesn't matter what you call it, it still isn't going to heel.

Darkfire
01-22-2006, 08:31 PM
A man walked into a bar and said "Ow".

walo
01-22-2006, 08:46 PM
I don't get the first one...



So a guy has taken his girlfriend home, and they are about to go into the guy's room, but he shares a room with his little brother. Before they walk in, the guy tells the girl, "Alright, he's asleep but just in case say lettuce if you want it harder, and tomato if you want it softer. So they go in, and they start doing it.

Tomato

Lettuce

Tomato

Lettuce

Lettuce

Lettttuuuuuccceeee

Suddenly, the little brother shouts up to them, "Would you two stop making sandwhiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face!"


"

hahahahaha

that was funny

Kapeesh
01-23-2006, 05:20 AM
Why are you jumping around?

i forgot to shake the juice bottle

Swordwind
02-22-2006, 09:09 PM
FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so its an even trade.

NOTHING

This means something, and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an
argument that will last Five Minutes and end with Fine.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word Fine.

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means I give up or do what you want because I dont care You will get a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing.

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. Soft Sighs mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THATS OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. Thats Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. Thats Okay is often used with the word Fine and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD.

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful
and you shouldnt get a Thats Okay.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say youre welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks A Lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.

Darklore
03-30-2006, 08:49 AM
Ok after Katta pestering me to post in here I've finally thought of one. Not the best one but I don't think I saw it on here already and this is the type of quality of work you get from me when force me to do something:

In the far future when I'm 80, I fell asleep and I dreamed that I was in heaven. I thought wow this is a nice dream but God came up to me and said "Oh yeah you passed away in your sleep welcome to Heaven."

Needless to say it came as quite a shock to me but I had lead a good life so I figured what the heck and asked God to show me around. So we were walking and I saw lilmrhalfazn and the ugliest man you've ever seen walking along together.

I turned to God and said "Isn't that lilmrhalfazn? What's he doing with that ugly guy?"

He responded "Well lilmrhalfazn lead a good life except for the fact that he cheated on his husband. So as punishment he's married to that man for the rest of eternity."

I digested this little bit of information and kept on walking until I saw Taro with the ugliest woman that had ever lived. I turned to God and said "Is that-"

"Yes, Taro also lead a good life except he cheated on his wife so he's punishment is to be married to that woman for all of eternity." God stated matter of factly.

I kind of nodded sad for those two but I wasn't going to say anything cause it's GOD! So we kept walking along and then I saw Katta Aka. I was just about to go "Oh no not him too!" when I saw that he was walking next to the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.

God saw this and said "Oh yes Katta Aka. He was faithful to his wife so I didn't have to punish him."

I thought about this for a second then looked at God and said "The shouldn't he be walking around with his wife?"

God responded "Well the thing is you see that beautiful woman?"

"Yeah"

"She didn't stay faithful to her husband."

-------------------------

Crud I know but the best I can do when being pressured.

MASh
03-30-2006, 09:01 AM
As soon as I read my name there, I understood what was coming....

Finally you posted, but we want more! C'mon everybody, don't be shy and do it!
Post all the jokes you know, as soon as you remember a joke, post it here.

Don't care if it's lame or funny, just post everything you think of.

X4Isaru
03-31-2006, 12:16 PM
Right, even if it's not funny? Sure thingy, here goes:



Well okay, i did warn you..

---------------------Martyrdom-And-It's-Reward------------------------

Still smouldering from the blast and with an erection throbbing against the inside of his bloodstained pants, a suicide bomber appears before his makers.
Somewhat suprised by seeing two identical, radient beings, playing chess, he decides to adress the one drinking tea.

"Oh Great one, i have heroicly slain many of thy enemies and.."

Shaking his head, the being points to the one siting next to him.

"Wrong one, fellow. That's Allah right there."

Turning to his god, the bomber opens his mouth to plead his case once more. Only to be silenced by his creator raising his hand.

"Let me guese, you want 72 virgins to screw you silly for all eternity, right?"

Unable to speak from drewling, the bloodstained man nods.
With a bored wave of his hand, his maker sends the horny guy to his eternity of nooky.
Shaking his head once more, Yahwe pours himself another cup of tea.

"Dude, That guy just killed 12 people! How can you reward those assholes with horny girls."

Allah looks up from his botomless coffeemug, moves a piece off the board and smiles.

"Hey, I said 'horny virgins', but i never said they would be girls.."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ish
04-01-2006, 04:27 AM
haha, nice ones Dark and X4a.

Osama Cave Memo
===============

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours, but we've really come
together as a group, and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting
up the poster that says "There is no I in team," as well as the one that
says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious.
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of
the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we
should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you
don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave
daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address, but when I do, I'm trying
to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while
we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background.
Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not
supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene,
especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.
Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama"
on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone.
Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise
trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for
them.
First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Love you lots.
Osama

Thunderclaw
04-01-2006, 07:44 AM
Warning: Stereotyping ahead. Ooooh! Dangerous!

A white guy, a black guy and a mexican are walking along the beach. Suddenly, they come upon a bottle. Intrigued, they open it. Out of the bottle comes a djinn, telling them he'll grant them each a wish for freeing him.
"I'll go first." The black man says. "I want me and all my black brothers to return to Africa and live there happily."
"It will be done." The djinn says, and, poof, the black guy is gone.
"My turn." The mexican says. "I want me and all my mexican brothers to return to Mexico and live there happily."
"It will be done." The djinn says, and, poof, the mexican is gone.
The white guys thinks for a moment, then says to the djinn:
"So, you're meaning to tell me that all the niggers are in Africa, and all the spicks are in Mexico?"
"That is correct." The djinn answers.
"I'll have a coke, then."

A Wong family in China have just had a baby. They are completely overjoyed, although there is one problem... The baby looks African. Nevertheless, the nurse asks the father what they'll name the baby. The father answers:
"I think we will call him... Sum Ting Wong."

An irishman once left a pub.

Shiranai
04-03-2006, 04:19 AM
Ok after Katta pestering me to post in here I've finally thought of one. Not the best one but I don't think I saw it on here already and this is the type of quality of work you get from me when force me to do something:

In the far future when I'm 80, I fell asleep and I dreamed that I was in heaven. I thought wow this is a nice dream but God came up to me and said "Oh yeah you passed away in your sleep welcome to Heaven."

Needless to say it came as quite a shock to me but I had lead a good life so I figured what the heck and asked God to show me around. So we were walking and I saw lilmrhalfazn and the ugliest man you've ever seen walking along together.

I turned to God and said "Isn't that lilmrhalfazn? What's he doing with that ugly guy?"

He responded "Well lilmrhalfazn lead a good life except for the fact that he cheated on his husband. So as punishment he's married to that man for the rest of eternity."

I digested this little bit of information and kept on walking until I saw Taro with the ugliest woman that had ever lived. I turned to God and said "Is that-"

"Yes, Taro also lead a good life except he cheated on his wife so he's punishment is to be married to that woman for all of eternity." God stated matter of factly.

I kind of nodded sad for those two but I wasn't going to say anything cause it's GOD! So we kept walking along and then I saw Katta Aka. I was just about to go "Oh no not him too!" when I saw that he was walking next to the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.

God saw this and said "Oh yes Katta Aka. He was faithful to his wife so I didn't have to punish him."

I thought about this for a second then looked at God and said "The shouldn't he be walking around with his wife?"

God responded "Well the thing is you see that beautiful woman?"

"Yeah"

"She didn't stay faithful to her husband."

-------------------------

Crud I know but the best I can do when being pressured.

oh man, I was cracking up so bad! I thought the joke was going to turn around on you since you were walking next to god, who could end up not being god at all.

MASh
04-03-2006, 04:41 AM
Nah, dark wouldn't joke on himself. He did that coz I pestered him alot.

Panther52
04-11-2006, 12:46 PM
A blind man walks into a supermarket and starts to swing his guide dog around his head, a Clerk walks up to him carefully and asks, " Sir What the Hell are you Doing?! " the blind man replied " Im having a look around. "

Dgco
04-11-2006, 01:48 PM
i found this on the internet. i like the one on the bottom of the box.


On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

jigoku Matsuro
04-11-2006, 01:54 PM
Lol those are funny xD but, they have to actually be on products.

e.g On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)


Before they put that on nuts they actually got sued because someone baught it and ate them (being allergic to nuts) and claimed they wernt informed that it actually contained nuts....

sad but yeah XD.

Dgco
04-11-2006, 02:11 PM
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.


you shure bout that lol XD

jigoku Matsuro
04-11-2006, 02:15 PM
Lol. ok not those ones xD but some of them.

MASh
08-07-2006, 09:57 AM
At a great big party there was this mirror which sucked in everyone who told lies infront of it.
So this hot brunette comes infront of it, and while looking at her reflection says " I think I'm the prettiest woman on this party"- and WHOOSH, she got sucked in.

Then a foxy redhead walks over after a little while, and staring at her reflection says- "I think I'm the most wanted woman on the party"- and again, WHOOSH, she got sucked in.

So then a blonde walks over to the mirror and says -"I think..."- and WHOOSH she got sucked in immidietly.
************************************************** ********

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

Diaketh
08-07-2006, 10:22 AM
A pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel to his penis. The bartender does find this rather odd and approaches the pirate. "Sorry sir, but do you know that you have a ships steering wheel stuck to your penis?" And the pirate anwsered: "Yarr, it's drivin' me nuts"

MASh
09-01-2006, 04:53 PM
It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologers. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps untill noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extra-marital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

And the candidates are:

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolf Hitler

So...what makes a leader a good leader??
**********************************



Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, yellow wax build-up, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

But now I find out, tain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 200 million. Eighty-four million are retired. That leaves 116 million to do the work. There are 75 million in school, which leaves 41 million to do the work. Of this total, there are 22 million employed by the government. That leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired.
********************************


A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads "WARNING: ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

*******************************



Tips on love, from those who should know. All questions were answered by kids, ages 5-10.

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
**********************************


Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling," But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
*****************************8

Ahh.... a nice come back... no?

Takanaki
09-01-2006, 09:46 PM
Three guys, a Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan are riding their horses through the desert. They come upon an oasis and decide to stop for the night.

Sitting around the campfire, the Russian gets up and goes to his horse. He pulls a bottle of Absolute Vodka out of his bag. Then he breaks the seal on it, downs a gulp, and smashes the bottle on the rocks. He says, "There is plenty of
Vodka in Mother Russia."

The Mexican, not to be out-done by the Russian, goes to his horse. He pulls out a bottle of Jose Cuervo Gold, breaks the seal on it, and downs a gulp. He then throws the bottle against the rocks and says, "We have lots of
Jose Cuervo Gold in Mexico."

The Texan, not to be out-done by the other two, gets up and walks over to his horse. He pulls out a bottle of Jack Black from his bag, breaks the seal on it, and downs half the bottle. He then puts the bottle back, spins around, pops the Mexican in the forehead with his revolver and says, "We have plenty of Mexicans in Texas."