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-   -   [Grass] Paid in Full - [Claimed] (http://www.narutorp.net/showthread.php?t=43542)

darkbeauty 03-07-2014 01:19 AM

[Grass] Paid in Full - [Claimed]
 
Paid in Full
Saku // Katsumi

Who's heart is more important to Katsumi: the Druid's or Saku's?

Kapeesh 03-26-2014 12:45 AM

I be ratin' this.

Kapeesh 04-20-2014 12:34 PM

Cool story bros :)

Buko

You write well and you gave a good picture of how Saku felt about Katsumi and it was technically good. However, there were a few things that slightly bothered me in your writing. It sometimes feels like you rely on dialogue too much. I understand that some posts might be dialogue heavy, but that shouldn't mean that you should describe the on goings any less. This comment mostly relates to post # 14. Other posts were slightly guilty of that too.

Also you might want to tone down the "fucks" that are not within the dialogue. I know you can come up with better words to provide emphasis or to describe whatever it is that you want.

DB

Like Buko, your writing was technically good and I got a good idea from you of what went on inside your character's brain and you did a good job of making the reader understand the odd dynamic of the relationship. One issue I had was the point in the thread when Katsumi took of her shirt felt out of of place... kinda random.


2 Points each, one of'em can be used for jutsu.

darkbeauty 04-20-2014 02:00 PM

Thank you Kap. :)

+2 to strength. And that would make her total tai with bonuses at 19. And I noticed that her stamina should be at 27 with tai bonuses, so if someone could fix that it would be very helpful.

And here is her new inventory:

Inventory: The Shinobi Kit [0]
Jian [3]
Hallucinogenic Poison [2]

Weapon Points Remaining: [3/8]

Kiba Edit: Done!

Bukowski 04-21-2014 06:42 PM

Thanks Kap!

+1 Speed and Stage Five Jishin.

Req are 25 Strength, 16 Stamina, 15 Speed, 16 Willpower and my bonuses should be changed to +25 Strength and +20 Stamina.

Inventory should be...uh...

Shinobi Kit-0
Sack Bat (Extending, Recall Baseball Bat coated in Thorns ((Elemental Weapon))- 8

I think that's right.


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