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Old 02-15-2016, 06:21 AM   #9
Shichidaime Sunagakure GM
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 1,928

Emissary of Dust—Kinsha [Kaen]
A consul / A messenger / A diplomatic agent

I feel like my reviews are getting shorter, maybe because I’m burning out, or maybe it’s just dependent on the character. I feel like you had a clear idea of who Kinsha was when writing their biography and character sheet, so your ideas developed from a space that made it easy for me—as a reader—to glide through this sheet. Now that I think about it, the biography clocked in at 1476 and read real smooth. I dare say, this was one of the cleanest applications of the Spartoi that I’ve read thus far, and the length of the biography matched many of the others who applied.

Yeah, man, this character is seamless like a mo’fo. The way that the other classmates were mentioned—although sort of listed—developed real natural with the way the biography itself was set up. The only real critique I have, like with everyone else, are the moments Kinsha made the interviewer, Nevin, flustered. Lol, that honestly wouldn’t happen. These are Genin. Children. They aren’t as deep as folks are attempting to make them. As an instructor, or teacher, it’s pretty easier to read children. So, word. Fix that. Please.

Other than that, good work.

Sand Primary GM Approval, Kinsha is officially the Emissary of Dust.

Welcome to the Spartoi

Additional Notes:
Dear lord, I’m getting burnt out reading these, lol
A small, slight child—what?
Ambiguous pronouns for the win
Okay I’m not going crazy. Review the Appearance section, there are literally instances where you’re dropping words in sentences
Oh wait, I realized, you wrote a whole ass character but I can’t get a post in our Mist thread? HAHAHA COME ON!
Of course Kaen would know the poison used at the Academy bombing because you the one who put that in motion lmao

Spartoi Mentions:
Eiko—lmfao too quiet and creepy? Funny
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