iconAll times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:31 AM. | Welcome to Forum, please register to access all of our features.
Old 06-03-2012, 08:31 AM   #1
darkbeauty
DaButt
 
darkbeauty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Yawk
Posts: 3,366
Default [Mist] Moth's Wings [Rated]

[Team 17] Moth's Wings
Dear friend, as you know
Your flowers are withering
Your mother's gone insane
Your leaves have drifted away

But the clouds are clearing up
And I've come reveling
Burning incandescently
Like a bastard on the burning sea


Hitotsuyanagi Maho -- Imai Hayate

Maho and Hayate have worked together countless times. They're a team, a good one too. All they had to do was protect Kiminobu and his daughter. And while he said it was okay to kill the enemy, it wasn't necessary... Was it?
__________________
LOOK HERE PLZ


[Katsumi] - [Maho] - [Tomoko] - [Tsukio] - [Ritsuke] - [Shiori] - [Miyuki]

Grass Secondary GM
[9:07:30 PM] M.Cain: She's been super important her whole life,
and super important to Grass for like a few years.


Items
Swaps
AP
darkbeauty is offline  
Old 06-25-2012, 04:56 AM   #2
Kaen
Editor Doomsayer
 
Kaen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Finding A Better End
Posts: 4,756
Default

DB, your avatar looks dumb.

Also, this thread is claimed.
__________________
Cloud GM
Shinshi Clan GM
~ Tsuriau Clan GM

Please Use [They/Them] Pronouns For Me.
Kurayami ~ Real Monster | Y—i ~ Unfurling Fire | Ayaka ~ Silent Dissident
Kyou ~ Collared Cat| Masuyo ~ Lurking Liar | Rina ~ Serial Adventuress
Shiori ~ Cynical Seer | Kinsha ~ Pure Poison | Miyu ~ Amoral Mage
Kaen is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 05:34 AM   #3
Kaen
Editor Doomsayer
 
Kaen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Finding A Better End
Posts: 4,756
Default

Forty-six posts? You assholes.

The thread got stronger as time went on, but there are still a few issues that really bother me. Most of them are plot based. I could not figure out why they wanted Kahori dead. At first I thought they wanted to spare her because, hey, living girls can be made into money, and from their perspective it might be even more of an insult. The twist didn’t clear that up at all. It wasn’t even that they decided to cut their loses and kill her—they were aiming for her life with sharp pointy things from the very beginning.
Hayate
The boy is weirdly stoic for a twelve year old. His posts rang of competence and confidence, from the beginning to the end. Naturally I appreciate the nice speaking quirk you gave him. Throughout the thread the boy rang one note—professional and to-the-point.

The one issue I have is that I kept seeing you describe emotions that immediately disappeared beneath the surface. Hayate is excited! No mention of it again. Hayate is awestruck! Doesn’t seem to influence him much further—I see these flashes of emotion and I wonder where they went. They rarely seem to influence him unless it’s through a single facial expression. The one exception would be after the girl gets ‘killed’ in his care, and even then he seems to shake it off fairly well.
Maho
Avoid using weird nouns to describe your character. Generally speaking the urge to use weird nouns comes from a fear of using your character’s name. Pronouns will work and whenever pronouns don’t your character’s name will do. Don’t be afraid to use it. Using nouns like ‘the redhead’ and such distances your readers from your characters. You should strive to bring your readers as close to Maho as you possibly can. Don’t let anything get between them.

You are their only conduit directly into Maho’s head and you need to be a good one if you want your readers to grow to love her.

As the thread went on your writing grew steadily stronger, easier to read and easier to get interested in. However there’s one issue that I feel needs to be addressed—killer NPCs don’t need a lot of characterization but they do need some. Enough for us to tell them apart—your descriptions of the assailants were so vague I didn’t know who was doing what and when.

One solution to this is to give them names, but a major problem with that is that your character doesn’t KNOW their names. So they can’t think of them that way. What I usually do is take a physical or emotional characteristic and start calling them by it until the character learns their real name. Scar, Sickly, Sword, or Smile for instance. There are other methods of avoiding this problem—keeping the conflict one-on-one, but you should be aware of it whenever you are NPCing opponents, especially in a battle where ones position is of vital importance.
Two points for Hayate, three for Maho
And now, I need some sleep.
__________________
Cloud GM
Shinshi Clan GM
~ Tsuriau Clan GM

Please Use [They/Them] Pronouns For Me.
Kurayami ~ Real Monster | Y—i ~ Unfurling Fire | Ayaka ~ Silent Dissident
Kyou ~ Collared Cat| Masuyo ~ Lurking Liar | Rina ~ Serial Adventuress
Shiori ~ Cynical Seer | Kinsha ~ Pure Poison | Miyu ~ Amoral Mage
Kaen is offline  
Old 07-09-2012, 05:26 PM   #4
darkbeauty
DaButt
 
darkbeauty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Yawk
Posts: 3,366
Default

+2 Speed and in Steam Ninjootsu,

Stage Two
[TP] Umihebi no Ibuki (Serpent’s Breath)
Requirements: Power 6, Control 6, Tactics 4

Danks.
__________________
LOOK HERE PLZ


[Katsumi] - [Maho] - [Tomoko] - [Tsukio] - [Ritsuke] - [Shiori] - [Miyuki]

Grass Secondary GM
[9:07:30 PM] M.Cain: She's been super important her whole life,
and super important to Grass for like a few years.


Items
Swaps
AP
darkbeauty is offline  
Old 07-09-2012, 08:45 PM   #5
Juushichi
[R E D A C T E D]
 
Juushichi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 2,518
Default

+1 Strength, Wall Walking.
__________________

[Kirigakure] Imai Hayate [Kusagakure] Kiyomizu Shusui
[Kumogakure] Matsuoka Imae [Konohagakure] Ohayashi Toshiko
Current Owner of: [Legendary] The Peregrine: Shimizu Miho
Items, Hijutsu, Roleplay
Juushichi is offline  
 

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump