iconAll times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:59 AM. | Welcome to Forum, please register to access all of our features.
Old 01-27-2011, 06:55 AM   #1
Has a clever user title.
12omaji's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Vvardenfell District, slaying mudcrabs.
Posts: 58
Default (Rain Genin) Hiruma Naoko

Name: Hiruma Naoko
Age: 15
Sex: Female
Height: 5'6"
Theme Song: Champion - Tawoumga
Character Type: Kunoichi

Country/Village: Ame no Kuni - Amegakure
Rank: Genin
Division: N/A

Physical Description: Naoko's beauty lies most predominantly in those tangerine eyes of hers, eyes that shine with a brilliant innocence. One look will tell you everything, pain, joy, fury, and passion. They really are a window into the soul as they say. Her face, small and gentle is framed by ash-gray hair that stops in a rough cut at the chin. Her mouth, thin and slightly pursed is rarely seen with a frown.

Standing at five feet and six inches, the kunoichi's recent training in the Kyokugi-Ken style has begun to make its mark on the girl. On her gaunt frame, muscle developement has begun to take place, and a pair of regrettably rough hands display Naoko's compassion and leniency to all and everything they touch. This contrast can come off as surprising to some.

Her posture isn't something Naoko is particularly pround of. She bears the oddest slouch, leaning backwards intead of forward. With her legs usually spread wider than would normally be considered a relaxed standstill. She looks like some awkward superhero. Both unsure yet ready. Still she seems to project an extrovert atmosphere as she goes from place to place, always with some kind of bounce to her step.

As for Hiruma Naoko's more private features she comes to about an average. Her complexion is clear, smooth, and has an ever so slight yellow-gray tinge to it.

Clothing: With no set costume, Naoko prefers to arrange outfits along the styles of today’s music scene. She'll wear anything from high-tops to an old pilot’s helmet. Naoko doesn't spend long choosing what to wear on a daily basis. Honestly, the wierder the better! If anything, she secretly loves the quizzical looks the general masses convey as she walks down the street.

When the time calls for a mission or similar shinobi activity Naoko goes for a gray short-sleeved shirt that stops just short of the navel with a thick black stripe across the chest. She wears gray capris which are held up by a white belt that holds her epuipment in various black pouches and loops. A pair of water-proof combat boots in a charcoal grey finish the attire.

Constants in her daily wear include a black choker around her neck, custom-made thermal goggles that rest upon her head, and her hitai-ate is tied around her upper left arm just like the way father taught her. Naoko's cleaversword, Yume remains slung over her back.

Personality: Naoko is as strange and colorful as the clothes she wears. On a regular day, she is quite cheerful and energetic always finding the brighter side of things. The glass is half full so to speak. Naoko is described regularly as an eccentric. She tends to go off on a tangent when it comes to the things in this world that she holds strong opinions for. Known for being fervent, she can become quite loud, obnoxious even. Being very... expressive, Naoko is accustomed to the use of foul language. This isn't meant to come off as rude; she just gets a little passionate now and then and polite-talk simply doesn't get the message across.

Naoko believes in the phrase forgive but never forget. Everyone deserves one more chance. At times she might be too amiable, and is often taken advantage of. Regardless, the genin is helpful and isn't afraid to get her hands dirty. Sadly having spent her childhood in a broken home, Naoko's self-esteem has taken quite a fall. Very self-critical, she often bashes herself for her flaws, always nagging to herself that she could've done that better, or that she'll never succeed. Though not very confident, Naoko is proud of her country as well as her village. Seeing the symbol of Amegakure on her hitai-ate inspires her to strive to greatness and earn her village's freedom.

Naoko is often seen as childish or immature; she prefers "young at heart".

Loyalty is something Naoko can say about herself with her head held high. She is devoted to her friends, her family, Amegakure, and their new leader. This often leads to inner conflicts with herself when she must choose between them. Naoko tries to please everyone. While she knows this is impossible, it hardly seems to stop her from trying. Being quite honest, the kunoichi tends to be rather blunt and often speaks her mind. She prefers to keep an open mind and remain supportive of those in distress. She is willing to listen, if you’re willing to tell.

Also very sentimental, Naoko has a nasty habit of collecting certain items that remind her of her past, from both the good times and bad. This collection is simply a box full of junk, but to her it's a treasure trove of memories and lessons. A real working time machine.

Naoko loves music and the feelings it inspires. She wishes she could play, but has little to no musical talent whatsoever. Also a fan of comedy, the girl loves to laugh and tell jokes. If you have a good sense of humor, you’re an instant friend in Naoko's books. When she isn't training or daydreaming, Naoko enjoys various art forms such as origami, drawing, and cooking. On the opposite end, Naoko finds great disdain in pessimists, smokers, and those who drink.

Nindo; "Way of the Ninja": "Do what's good and good things come."
Clan/Bloodline: N/A

Primary Archetype: Ninjutsu Specialist
Special: When taken as Primary Archetype, the character receives a free Stage One jutsu from a universal Ninjutsu list.
Stat Merit: +2 to Power, +1 to Control
Stat Flaw: -2 to Strength, -1 to Tactics

Secondary Archetype: Human Tank
Stat Merit: +2 to Strength, +1 to Stamina
Stat Flaw: -2 to Speed, -1 to Control

Ninjutsu Specialist
Human Tank
AP (E-no-V)


Chakra (Primary)

Power: 1+3+2= 6
Control: 1+4+1-1= 5
Reserves: 1+3= 4

Physical (Secondary)

Strength: 1+3-2+2= 4+3
Speed: 1+5-2= 4+3
Stamina: 1+1= 2+3

Mental (Tertiary)

Intelligence: 1+3= 4
Tactics: 1+2-1+1= 3
Willpower: 1+1= 2

Jutsus and Techniques

(A) - Archetype
(C#) - Creation Freebies

Kyokugi-Ken (Sword of Acrobatic Feats)
Stage One - (C1)
Stat Requirements: Strength: 4 Speed 4
Stat Bonus: +3 Strength, +3 Speed, +3 Stamina

Regular Technique:
-Over and Under

Amegakure no Genjutsu
Stage One
-Dorohifu (Intelligence 2, Control 2) (C2)
-Ame no Itteki (Tactics 3, Power 2) (C3)

Global Ninjutsu
Stage One
-Kawarimi No Jutsu (Intelligence 3, Reserves 3) (A)

Kuro Suiton
Stage One
-Abura Ryuushutsu (Control 3, Intelligence 2) (C4)
-Abura Aruki (Power 4, Control 4) (C5)
-Abura Bunshin: Karai (Power 3, Willpower 2) (C6)

Stage Two
-Santoarukari Fuchi (Power 5, Control 4, Reserves 4) (C7)

Cleaver sword* - 9
Kunai - 2
Gas Grenade - 3
Thermal Goggles - 3
Pepper Grenades (Set of three) - 3
Rain Pebble - 1
Explosive pouches - 2
Communication Unit - 1

Weapon Points Remaining: 0

Additional Weapon Points Gained: 4
(1 GMAP Used)

Her Prelude

For as long as I can remember I've been in the middle. My name is Hiruma Naoko. I'm the second daughter to two shinobi parents. My dad lived life with passion, passion for Amegakure, for Tanomoshi Ishimaru, and for my mother. She lived as the youngest of three with her parents in sector five. They met through their work and from a mutual love of family and village a romance blossomed. As the years passed this romance transitioned into marriage and from their marriage the first of two children: Junan was born.

My older sister was always very gifted. She showed a talent for the arts, and a spark for the imagination. Nine years passed, and as one thing led to another, I showed up. My birth however, brought my mother's career as a shinobi to an end. She decided that her duties as a mother of two were more important than her duties as a shinobi of Amegakure. Junan took on a motherly role that day; she always made sure I was alright. I suppose she was going through that phase where little girls want to be moms.

Come to think of it, I don't think I ever went through that phase.

In time, our relationship became less of a parent and child and more like what we really are: sisters. We did what any non-shinobi child our age would normally do, we invented games; we built forts; we played house; we pretended. But most importantly, we made Kiiougan.

What a creation it was! Though originally it was Junan who came up with it. Kiiougan was such a simple idea: a role-playing game set in a fantasy world. The world itself is made up of five regions of fire, water, air, earth, and shadow. Each resembles their specified elements, and each more brilliant than can be put into words.

In the beginning, Kiiougan was empty. So Junan and I constantly discussed what should go in and what was just stupid. It was mostly me suggesting things, and it was mostly Junan denying them. I still don’t understand why those days playing with Junan went away so fast, or why they were so sweet. I guess school got in the way…

Mom and Dad split around the same time she graduated from the academy. They were arguing about something, and Junan was told to bring me upstairs. As I laid in her arms, confused and scared. I could hear yelling and crashes through the floor. I looked to my sister, trying to make sense of what was happening. She could only give me a lifeless stare. After what seemed like hours I heard a slam, and it was over. Junan then got up and took whatever of hers that would fit in her backpack. I asked her what she was doing and what she said I’d never forget:

“I’m going away for a little while, take care of Mom and watch over Kiiougan. Ok?”

That was the last time I ever saw her.

A few years passed, and Mom met some other guy. But he didn’t last long after Kaede was born. Good thing too. I didn’t like him. Once Kaede came into the picture Mom hardly had any time for me. So I was left alone with my thoughts and Kiiougan. In time I taught my little brother to play, but it wasn’t the same. Kiiougan had changed; it was more realistic, more believable, and more vivid. I incorporated the use of props where I could, and pretended where I couldn’t.

I still miss those days however, playing with her, talking with her. Maybe they’ll both come back someday. Dad and Junan…

Imagination and a Blade

Shiro had finally done it. Tenrai, the great divine was open. My remaining forces and I could only watch helplessly, bound at our wrists as the golden gate to nowhere creaked open. Brilliant light and tremendous winds like nothing Kiiougan had seen before came forth. Many shielded their eyes, yet I could only watch in horror and awe as Shiro's silhouette was swallowed by the intensifying light.

"COME FORTH O GREAT GODS! HEED MY COMMAND AND CAST DOWN MY ENEMIES! COME FORTH AND CREATE FOR ME THE PERFECT UTOPIA!" His voice could barely be heard over the howling winds that filled my ears. A tempest that cut at my face, making the already freezing weather deathly cold. These winds seemed to cry out in a malevolent rage like that of a banshee. Cold, lifeless, and full of hate.

Then suddenly everything stopped. The gates, now fully open still radiated light though now Shiro was once again visible. His short white hair seemingly untouched by the recent gusts that came forth. Still he stood in silence with the key, a dark sphere, held high above his head. His ebony armor also appeared to be unaffected by the calamity. For what seemed like an eternity nothing happened. A fog then poured out from the unfathomable light, like a loving mother embracing her child it wrapped around Shiro's ankles and continued on. This fog, hung low to the ground as it passed us. Never did it go higher than and inch.

A great claw stepped out of the grand light, with talons as large as a house and scales seemingly made of stone. Next the beast's head came slowly out of the light. That of a tortoise, formations of rock and metal gave it the appearance of wearing a helmet. Three dire horns sprouted forth like a crown atop the monstrosity's cranium. Eyes a lush green. There was no mistaking it, it was Ellwen: the God of Earth.

"Yes! YES!" Shiro cheered, "ELLWEN! THE MIGHTY GOD OF THE EARTH! CREATOR OF THE VERY GROUND WE WALK ON! I AM SHIRO! PRIME MINISTER OF SHAER: THE GREATIST NATION ON THE FACE OF KIIOUGAN!" I watched in silence and dismay as Ellwen reared it's great head to see Shiro and his men. A soft rumble could be heard, it sounded distant at first but grew louder, the very ground began to shake and then--

There was a knock at my door. I admit I was kinda surprised, must have been daydreaming again.

"Naoko guess what?! You'll never guess!" it was Kaede, my little brother. I was sitting in a corner staring into the light on the ceiling before. I looked over to my door across the room, seeing dots.

"Yeah?" I called, "What's up?"

"YOUR DAD'S HERE! COME QUICK!" He exclaimed, sliding open the door and poking his little head in.

"HOLY COWS REALLY?!" I hadn't seen Dad since he and Mom split three years ago. I rushed to my feet and bolted for downstairs kicking up clothes, papers, and countless other things. Kaede was already in the kitchen before I had even made it out of my room. I'll never forget this day. This was the day I became a Kunoichi. I hustled down the stairs, two at a time. When I entered, I was over joyed to see it wasn't another one of Kaede's fibs. It really was Dad.

"Hey Naoko, happy birthday." He said, a warm smile spreading across his face. He was a day late, but I didn't care. I sprinted across the room into a huge hug. This was Dad. This was my dad.

"You're six now, so I think I can get away with giving you these." He handed me a small box and an envelope. Being the kid I was, I ignored the envelope and went straight ahead with tearing open the poorly wrapped box. I lifted off the lid and inside were a pair of black pilot goggles, their lenses tinted red and the frame silver. They had to be some of the coolest things I've ever seen. I stood there mouth hung open in amazement.


"They're Thermal Vision Goggles. I made them myself." Father explained, his face glowing with pride. I was simply stunned, a big silly grin on my face.

"Check the card sweetie." I did as I was told with false enthusiasm, expecting to see nothing more than a birthday greetings. What I found was not only surprising but also confusing. It was an application to Amegakure's shinobi academy.

"What's this?"

"It's an application for the shinobi academy you silly turkey!" Dad laughed. His laugh was always light and hearty, filling anyone who heard it with joy.

"Your of age, so I figured you’d like to join up. Just like--” He was cut short by a hard stare from mother.

“Just like me.”

"I wanna be just like dad!"

My days in the academy weren't my best years, not that they were bad either. I immediately got branded an outcast for my 'unique style' and strong vocal chords. I did make friends, but they were few in number. We were an odd bunch, Otaku, geeks. I ended up missing mom lots, as I no longer lived in Sector One. On the bright side, I saw Dad everyday after school. He would always be waiting at the front entrance for me and together we'd practice at the training grounds until dinner.

Dad decided to do something different one time. He lead me to the dorms, where I received Yume. Shinobi were busy everywhere. Doing what? I had no idea. All I knew was that everyone was busy.

"Over this way Naoko." Dad lead me into the dorm, following a series of halls and stairs I never even thought of taking to a room marked 326.

"Is this your dorm?" I asked looking up at him, a quizzical look plastered on my face.

"Used to be, I got my own place now. Right here in Sector Three." The jounin answered warmly, his face crunching into another one of his bright smiles.

On that note he slid open the door slightly.

"Hey Souta! You here?" We waited for a moment and groans could be heard, then thick heavy footsteps.

"Yah, come in'er." Dad then slid the door open completely revealing a tall frail man. Souta was in nothing but his underwear and what used to be a white tank top. His hair was mangy, long, and unwashed. His eyes were sunken, and his teeth yellow. It also looked like he hadn't shaved in weeks. Souta's eyes went wide at the sight of Dad and his glum expression lifted into that of pure joy. Like a child at a candy store.

"EHHH! YASUUU!" Souta said with arms held wide, "Wha'r you doin here? You come to visit ol' Soka?" Souta's words were slurred. Which made me wonder if he possibly had something too strong to drink.

"HEY YOU!" Dad accepted the grubby man's hug, a hearty chuckle squeezed out.

"Do you still have it?" My dad asked, excited. It? Souta examined the air above our heads with a look of curiosity as if the answer was hovering above or heads. I remember wondering why it would be there of all places.

"OH YAH!" He exclaimed.

"Yah man, too huge to louss! Come in'er! The fors of you!" Souta motioned for us to follow him into his dark and dirty dorm. Dad and I exchanged a look of confusion.

"You been drinking Souta?" He asked the mess, who was already hidden in the filth and storage of the dorm.

"Naww man, you norr I dun't drink."

"Sure thing buddy."

Curious, I began wandering around. The lights weren't on and the windows were poorly taped over, stopping a majority of the light that would have come through. What light did come through, was mercilessly choked with dust into slim rays. As I walked around Souta's somber dorm I noticed some of the things hung on the wall. Pictures, placed in intricate and old-fashioned wooden frames. A thick layer of dust covering them. I wiped off the residue revealing two people. A man and a woman, a couple.

They were smiling, sitting at a table leaning in close to each other. The man was pale, his eyes bright. He was clean shaven and his hair was short and dark. This man was Souta. He was clean, and wearing a tuxedo. The woman was beautiful. Her skin was beige, and dark freckles spread generously across her cheeks. Her short raven-black hair and sable eyes seemed to make everything fit together perfectly. Like a puzzle, completed by her elegant white gown. She was the most beautiful lady I’d ever seen. But it wasn't outside beauty that told me this. It was in her smile: warm, loving, passionate, and mysterious. Souta and this girl had gotten married. Who was she?




"That's an ironing board."


A smile crept from the corners of my mouth at Souta's minor blunder. Souta was pretty funny. I decided to leave the pictures be and rejoin them. They were digging through a closet, pulling down unopened boxes.

"Isn't that it right there?" My dad asked, "Seems about the right size." He pointed to a particularly long box. Souta pulled out the container and layed it down on an empty bit of floor. They opened the box revealing the biggest sword I'd ever seen. It boasted a length of five feet and a width of one. A black sheath of leather with a single large white kanji read--

"Yume?" I said, a look of puzzlement was directed to my dad. The blade was cool, but he still hadn't told me why we came here.

"You won't pass graduation without at least some Taijutsu. So Souta is gonna teach you Kyokugi-Ken." Dad answered, looking over to his friend for an agreement. Souta looked tired, and drunk.

"Nuu... I can't teech err... Its Rin's Youmehh." He whined, submissively making slapping motions. Rin? Then everything clicked. This sword belonged to Rin, Souta's wife. Would she be ok with this? Where was she? I needed to ask this!

"Well Souta, Amegakure isn't gonna let you keep this place much longer if you don't do something with yourself."

"Where is she?" Surprised, the two shifted their attention to me, "Rin I mean, will she be ok with me using her sword?" Their moods suddenly shifted. Dad lowered his head as if paying respect, while Souta became placid.

"She won't be needing it sweetie." Rin was dead.

From then on my days had changed. After classes I stepped out to find Dad as usual but next to him would be Souta. Sober, clean, and shaven. Instead of Ninjutsu, I would learn and re-learn the basics of Kyokugi-Ken. It was all about momentum and acrobatics. Swing the blade, use its weight to avoid counter attacks, the blade itself is armor, and agility would 'save my ass'. Everyday until my graduation, classes, flips, swings, laps, push-ups, sit-ups, weights, and climbing. It was exhausting to say in the least. At first, I could barely lift Yume off the ground. But as each day of near-vomit-inducible training passed the blade could be lifted a little higher than before. When weight hadn't become a problem anymore Souta would add more, saying that training in Kyokugi-Ken should never be easy. He was very serious during this time, ruthless even. But once we were done for the day he would return to his warm demeanor with kind constructive advice and a smile.

I was feeling anxious by the exam day. I showed up to class and waited for my name to be called or testing. With Yume slung on my back I felt a certain degree of confidence. I knew that passing was a strong possibility, but I couldn't help getting nervous as it came to be my turn. When it came right down to it, the exam was a piece of cake. All I needed to do was show them a little demonstration of all my skills.

I passed, and my sensei presented me with my own Hitai-ate. The four black marks that made up our emblem, the symbol of Amegakure, was a reminder of how far I had come. I did it! I was a proud shinobi of the hidden rain.

Alot has changed since then. Our great leader Ishimaru disappeared. Dad is convinced he left. I belive he was kidnapped. There's no way he’d just leave us, and he couldn't have been killed. He's the Amekage, the strongest! His daughter Ayame is our leader now. When she first took over it seemed that Amegakure itself was falling apart. However recent decisions she's made have things running smoothly nowadays. I give her my full support. She is an inspiration, being so young and a girl no less.

We are at an important turning point in our history. Measures are being taken for us to move above ground. I've only been on the surface once, that being my graduation. It was raining then. I heard it rains all the time, but Dad and Souta tell me stories of what it's like without rain. I wonder if it’s true.

Other Info:
-Right handed.
-Loves goggles. (They're sexy!)
-Enjoys the company of animals.
-Likes chocolate. (she REALLY likes chocolate.)
-Birthday is on the 21st of April.
-It's pronounced Key-you-gan! Jerk...
-Favorite color is Red.
-Least favorite is Pink.
-A great cook.

Imagination and a Blade (Thread Ratings):

~My Little Bucket of Win~
Hiruma Naoko - The Eccentric

Last edited by 12omaji; 07-06-2011 at 06:05 AM..
12omaji is offline  
Old 02-08-2011, 11:53 PM   #2
Has a clever user title.
12omaji's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Vvardenfell District, slaying mudcrabs.
Posts: 58

FINALLY! Hiruma Naoko is ready for judgement.
12omaji is offline  
Old 02-15-2011, 11:54 PM   #3
Has a clever user title.
12omaji's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Vvardenfell District, slaying mudcrabs.
Posts: 58


Hopefully she'll get out soon. ^^;

~My Little Bucket of Win~
Hiruma Naoko - The Eccentric

12omaji is offline  
Old 02-18-2011, 11:15 PM   #4
Based Kiba
Based Kiba
Based Kiba's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Based Kiba
Posts: 2,961

No lie, your description of her body is makes me a little uncomfortable.

I find your personality section to be a little excessive. In fact with everything you have written about her, I lose the essence of Naoko, which is what that description should be there for.

Stats and Techs check out.

"Me could only watch helplessly" does not make sense. Thus: "Me and my remaining forces could only watch helplessly" does not make sense either. Learn that grammar lesson on pronouns, and I will be back to finish reading this soon.

I really don't understand the point of the first three paragraphs of your history, but that's just my opinion.

As for your history, you should know that eleven is not the age that a shinobi enters the academy. On the contrary, that tends to be the age many graduate. Children enter the academy around the age of 6.

By and large, your history doesn't read like a history, but more like a story with some mentions of her life. I don't see much in the development of who Naoko is now (but that may be because I don't have a completely solid character of who Naoko is). I would love to see her story actually start at the beginning, since this story starts at her being 11, when she first enters the academy. Logistically, you clearly need to add five more years, at least, to her backstory.

You clearly know how to write, and understand what is expected, which is why I'm asking you to look at your character in this detail. I can't wait to see you roleplaying.

| Asuka | Aima | Isamu | Kugo | Etsuko | Nin'hon | Hiroshi |

Engi No Volunteer | Secondary Sound GM

Items - Swaps - AP [23] - Tracker - Works In Progress

Last edited by Based Kiba; 02-19-2011 at 01:10 AM..
Based Kiba is offline  
Old 03-21-2011, 11:44 PM   #5
Long's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Right here
Posts: 1,566


Numbers check out and bio details are up to the GM to nickpick, so Half-Approved.

Otherwise, check over these things I notice in your writing (and the thing Kiba noticed).

Naoko's beauty lies most prodominantly in those tangerine eyes of hers. Eyes that shine with a brilliant innocence despite some of the things they have seen.
Make this one sentence

Naoko is often seen as childish or immature. She prefers child-at-heart.
Awkward, try...

Naoko is often seen as childish or immature; she prefers "young at heart".


Naoko is often seen as childish or immature, though she prefers to describe herself as "young at heart".

There are a few "short" sentences, not incorrect, but it makes reading choppy

My birth however, brought my mother's career as a shinobi to an end. Junan took on a motherly role that day, she always made sure I was alright.
Why? What ended her career exactly, a complication? Why did her four year old sister have to be motherly?

"Your six now, so I think I can get away with givin you these."
Should be you're

Also, you should start a new paragraph everytime there is a new speaker.
A Mist Secondary GM

Feel free to bug me.


- / - / - Jutsu
0 /

Bestest, most recent, writing fail.

He would make no escape attempted, he could not. Iamarato's technique temporary stolen his echo from him

Last edited by Long; 03-22-2011 at 01:10 AM..
Long is offline  
Old 03-22-2011, 11:35 AM   #6
The People's Champ
Bukowski's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Miami, Florida
Posts: 2,526

Ignoring the grammar and narrative problems presented by Kiba/Long, I actually have to say that I liked this character. It read very innocently and whimsically, the style of writing was simple--but this is for a Genin so I kind of find that endearing. I was actually fairly impressed with this work...

Numbers check out, so I guess I can hit you with a half, good work overall.

Don of the Sanada Family
Grass Capo to Big Boss Cain

Yeah, I stunt, but I’m a li’l more realer
When it come from the heart, don’t it feel mo’ iller?
Watch my flow go bananas, I’m a li’l gorilla
So pardon me, man, y’all gon’ have to pardon me

Bukowski is online now  
Old 03-23-2011, 10:44 PM   #7
Character Registry Stalker
Rizhou's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: The dark depth of your closet.
Posts: 4,625

Ayame's been leader for quite a few years now, and it would do you well to mention something of Rain's current Arc.
Rizhou is offline  
Old 05-22-2011, 12:38 AM   #8
Has a clever user title.
12omaji's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Vvardenfell District, slaying mudcrabs.
Posts: 58

Its taken forever and thensome, BUT SHES FINALLY FINISHED. Added more back story, and added my AP. Judge away.
Please move to registry?

~My Little Bucket of Win~
Hiruma Naoko - The Eccentric

Last edited by 12omaji; 05-22-2011 at 01:34 AM..
12omaji is offline  
Old 05-26-2011, 11:16 PM   #9
Has a clever user title.
12omaji's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Vvardenfell District, slaying mudcrabs.
Posts: 58

Here's to getting her out! BUMPERCAR!

~My Little Bucket of Win~
Hiruma Naoko - The Eccentric

12omaji is offline  
Old 05-27-2011, 02:00 AM   #10
Character Registry Stalker
Rizhou's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: The dark depth of your closet.
Posts: 4,625

I've to agree with Kiba on the appearance/personality aspect of the app. If you meant a poetic picture of the char's sublime beauty, that is achieved. If you were trying to describe the character in enough detail that we can picture her in our mind, that didn't work.

As a rule, I don't look at char pics when I evaluate char applications. Instead I prefer to rely on the written sections of Appearance and Personality to have me an idea of what the character feels/looks like. Right now, The only thing I can picture about the char is her eye color, hair color, bone structure and physique. I can't see how she stands, walks, moves, if she shuffles, fidgets, has a self-confident demeanor or a introvert atmosphere. As a strong believer that one's physical/public image is a strong reflection of one's personality, the Appearance section should, by some level, detail physical characteristics that herald to her personality traits.

And I'm sorry, but no matter how I try, I can not see how it is plausible for a char who has Human Tank archetype as well as Sword of Acrobatic Feat, which deals with a huge ass heavy sword, to have soft, non-calloused hands and little muscle, especially around the shoulder and torso.

I don't mind the Biography, even though it's tad lacking in the "Rain currently losing/dying against incoming military/final battle" current arc. If you could add a little... depth to Physical, it should be ready for approval.
Rizhou is offline  


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump