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Old 11-16-2014, 11:28 PM   #1
Cayuga
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Default Boney Discovery [Sound]

Boney Discovery

What happens when Sengo finds an old partner from the past that has some knowledge of his clan? What happens when Sengo actually has to fight his way out of trouble? Find out in Part one of the Trilogy

Boney Discovery
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Old 01-02-2015, 12:44 AM   #2
Junge
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Claimed and rated and blah blah blah my usual passive aggressive whining

One point, stats only.

Good stuffs: You have a grasp on what makes threads interesting to read. There's a narrative arc, a good conflict that isn't easily resolved, a decent amount of excitement, and enough relevant details to make it so I know what's going on.

You did some things that I rarely see on Engi that impressed me. There were the usual plot conveniences (oh we just happened to find this body right as the murder happened!) but you balanced them out by having an equal number of plot inconveniences. I like seeing people who let their characters get unlucky. It sells to me that the conflict happening has high stakes because your character isn't just breezing through every challenge. Kudos to you for including that.

Other stuffs: Typos, typos everywhere. Some stuff this is understandable, like the word 'shinobi', since spellcheck won't catch that. But you should never misspell your character's name. That tells me you didn't proofread at all, which means you didn't put a lot of time into writing this. That breaks a lot of the immersion, more so than when you just leave out a letter here and there. Run spell check!

Descriptions were sorely lacking for a good part of the thread, especially regarding the final act. I don't know anything about the giant bone monster apart from that it was a giant bone monster. I don't know what Sai or his friends look like, I don't know anything about what Sengo is thinking (apart from 'stop bad guy!'), I didn't really see a lot of Sengo's personality in the thread, and I I can't for the life of me figure out why a bone monster would die when you cut off its head (it's bone, so it's not like it has a brain, so what's up with that?)

Unrelated:
Quote:
Everything that ever had a heartbeat must have had bones;
Tons of animals have heartbeats but no bones. I mean, shoot, haven't you ever seen a worm or a octopus or slug or anything? Those buggers don't give two dumps about bones!

I'm interested to see where you take this. It wasn't terrible for a solo thread and I would have liked to see more.
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Old 03-18-2015, 08:00 AM   #3
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It's been 2 months so I assume it's too late but if not one point in control.


About them spelling errors; I use a phone to type and sometimes my fingers might press the wrong key but that's no excuse.
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