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Old 07-15-2017, 07:20 PM   #1
Cayuga
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Default Twilight Assassins

Twilight Assassins

The story continues for the two up and coming Chuunin of Sunagakure

Len Sosu
and
Jun Kin

Bass Edit: Cayuga and Kapeesh already claimed the MotM reward for this thread

Last edited by Bass; 07-24-2017 at 10:35 AM..
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Old 07-17-2017, 04:31 AM   #2
merdle
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I'll claim this.
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Old 07-31-2017, 09:10 PM   #3
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Hey you two.

*dusts off copy of ratings guide*

I'm going to avoid getting too pedantic. I think this thread had character, it had an idea, and you guys knew where you were going. But the execution left some to be desired.

I liked the idea of these two young and chipper characters going out to do this mission, full of themselves, and ready for battle. They are just chuunin, they don't know everything, but they think they rule the world in a way, it all revolves around them. In that way, everything was very anime, I liked that.

But, there were some disconnects, and a lot of it was in the 'craft' of the individual posts. There is a lot of repetition within posts, or long-winded explanations. ("Here, Kin, use that sword. However, if you get disarmed again I will be very upset and disappointed. Especially with that special sword.". It reads like a bad dub.) In cases where your character is going to be talking for a long time, ask yourself what a human being would actually say, ask yourself what would happen in that situation. Sosu's dialog there struck me as something that would be said by a golden age comicbook character, with too large a speech bubble for the short moment the comic panel is meant to represent.

There was also a weird lack of understanding between the two of you. Which can happen, so I'm not going to be too harsh on it. Like, it seems like Sosu tossed the screaming sword out to Kin, but then Kin seems to think Sosu tossed out Kin's sword? Then the strange disconnect in how to end the fight? Also, why is Sosu treating Kin like he is younger? Kin is 3 years older than Sosu.

There were typos and grammar hiccups all along, just enough to make me want to bring it up. But I'm no master of grammar, so I'll just say to read your posts over again to try to avoid them.

Overall, I'm going to give this 2 points for both of you, stats only.
Do keep up the fun adventure times.
Don't ignore your craft, or rush into your posts, or lose track of who is doing what.
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Old 08-01-2017, 08:28 AM   #4
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Thanks for the rating.

Id like +2 speed please.
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Old 08-01-2017, 08:51 AM   #5
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Thank you for the rating +2 to Willpower please
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Old 08-01-2017, 11:29 AM   #6
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Done and moved
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